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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Americans Spent $55.7 Billion On Pets Last Year

According to a new report, U.S. consumer spending on pet food, pet toys, grooming, and other pet-related expenses reached a record $55.7 billion last year, which researchers attribute in part to Americans’ increasing desire to pamper their pets. What do you think?

  • “What does this say about our priorities in this country? That we’re super-compassionate?”

    Sam Dodd Insurance Agent
  • “We Americans love our pets, cars, food, electronics, sex, and clothes.”

    Elliott Perlich Fuel Hose Inspector
  • “That’s a ridiculous amount to spend on a pet. Unless, of course, they’re a very, very good boy.”

    Leigh Allman Emergency Dispatcher

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