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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Americans Spent $55.7 Billion On Pets Last Year

According to a new report, U.S. consumer spending on pet food, pet toys, grooming, and other pet-related expenses reached a record $55.7 billion last year, which researchers attribute in part to Americans’ increasing desire to pamper their pets. What do you think?

  • “What does this say about our priorities in this country? That we’re super-compassionate?”

    Sam Dodd Insurance Agent
  • “We Americans love our pets, cars, food, electronics, sex, and clothes.”

    Elliott Perlich Fuel Hose Inspector
  • “That’s a ridiculous amount to spend on a pet. Unless, of course, they’re a very, very good boy.”

    Leigh Allman Emergency Dispatcher

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