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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Americans Thankful This Thanksgiving

What are you thankful for this year?
  • "This interview. I haven't spoken with another human in three and a half years."

    Ike Monroe Groundkeeper
  • "The tangible things I own that are of actual monetary value."

    Bill Sriskandarajah Mechanic
  • "I am thankful for my health. Ah! I just fell in a vat of acid."

    Theresa Pittman Circuit Board Manufacturer

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