Americans Vote For President

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Vol 48 Issue 45

Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good

CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good. “Oh, man, ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Originality

Americans Vote For President

After a long, hard-fought campaign between Democrat Barack Obama and Republican Mitt Romney, voters are finally headed to the polls today to cast their ballots for president of the United States. What do you think?

  • “Good luck, everyone!”

    Nia Brownstone
    Tobacco Baler
  • “Wow, there’s an election happening? It really crept up on me.”

    Igor Vastagh
    Fiber Technologist
  • “It’s not any different from other elections: You cast your vote for president, senator, that one representative you don’t know much about but hasn’t majorly screwed up yet, and skip all that judge and referendum stuff. Simple.”

    Birch Sousa
    Toy Assembler
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