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America's Air-Traffic Jam

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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America's Air-Traffic Jam

Despite FAA efforts to improve the nation's air-traffic-control system, flight delays and cancellations are at an all-time high. What do you think of this steadily worsening problem?
  • "I don't mind the delays, but sometimes I wish the ticket-counter employees wouldn't openly laugh at me while throwing rocks at my head."

    Edward Tahim
    Carpet Installer
  • "I like spending extra time at the airport. It gives me a chance to shop for Dean Koontz novels."

    Denise Bianchi
    Dental Hygienist
  • "Maybe if the pilots honked their horns, that'd get things moving."

    Pete Dermer
    Systems Analyst
  • "As a pilot, I sometimes have to deal with passengers' complaints when we take off late. But then I usually run 'em through a bit of turbulence, and they shut up real fast."

    Bob Jansen
    Pilot
  • "My flight got delayed, and I had to take an economy-class seat like a chump. Me, a Century 21 regional manager!"

    Fred Jaeger
    Realtor
  • "I'm so fed up with the airline industry's delays and cancellations, I'm going to complain to my friends."

    Hannah Bouganim
    English Teacher

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