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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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America's Air-Traffic Jam

Despite FAA efforts to improve the nation's air-traffic-control system, flight delays and cancellations are at an all-time high. What do you think of this steadily worsening problem?
  • "I don't mind the delays, but sometimes I wish the ticket-counter employees wouldn't openly laugh at me while throwing rocks at my head."

    Edward Tahim Carpet Installer
  • "I like spending extra time at the airport. It gives me a chance to shop for Dean Koontz novels."

    Denise Bianchi Dental Hygienist
  • "Maybe if the pilots honked their horns, that'd get things moving."

    Pete Dermer Systems Analyst
  • "As a pilot, I sometimes have to deal with passengers' complaints when we take off late. But then I usually run 'em through a bit of turbulence, and they shut up real fast."

    Bob Jansen Pilot
  • "My flight got delayed, and I had to take an economy-class seat like a chump. Me, a Century 21 regional manager!"

    Fred Jaeger Realtor
  • "I'm so fed up with the airline industry's delays and cancellations, I'm going to complain to my friends."

    Hannah Bouganim English Teacher

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