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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Amish Group Guilty Of Hate Crime

Sixteen members of a breakaway Amish group in Ohio face 10 years or more in prison after a religious dispute led them to enter the homes of fellow community members and forcibly cut their beards and hair. What do you think?

  • “Aw, man, those jails are about to get the best butter.”

    Quinn Orsatti Mental Health Agency Director
  • “I’d say to give them several years of hard labor, but knowing them, they’d probably love it.”

    Dennis Zavayna Systems Analyst
  • “They can lock up my barber while they’re at it. He took way too much off the top and practically destroyed my sideburns.”

    Tad Brown Buzzsaw Operator

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