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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Amish Numbers Increasing

According to an annual survey by Elizabethtown College, the Amish population in North America has increased by 5 percent over the past year. What do you think?

  • "Those people better not try to force their ways on the rest of us. I'll shoot a man who comes for my zippers."

    Ryan Cashin Goods Layer
  • "You mean the people who make my jam also have sex? Gross."

    Joey Moore Floor Inspector
  • "When you own a family business that makes decorative rakes, that's the last news you want to hear."

    Carol Hildebrandt Business Owner

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