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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Amish Population Boom

Over the past 16 years, the U.S. Amish population has nearly doubled. What do you think?
  • "They almost had one more until I learned I couldn't take my dirt bike."

    Rufus Morris Translator
  • "Sure, they get all liberal and allow counting when it suits them."

    Thomas Ellis Photo Developer
  • "We just had the same problem with raccoons in my county. The easiest thing to do is limit their food supply by locking up your garbage cans."

    Ella Mintz Instruction Manual Writer
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