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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Amnesty International Report Blasts United States, China

A new Amnesty International Report condemns China and the U.S. for turning a blind eye to global poverty and genocide. What do you think?
  • "Think globally, act locally. That's how I ended hunger in my gated community."

    Chuck Bolton Ice-Cream Scooper
  • "Global poverty and genocide are facts of life. We must focus on things we can actually accomplish—like discrediting Amnesty International."

    Randy Krauss Toy Sculptor
  • "Sorry, but I'm afraid I can't devote my attention to this cause until an attention-hungry celebrity poses naked for it."

    Neneh Williams Nanny

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