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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Amtrak Experimenting With Writers Residencies

Amtrak has begun offering a small number of writers residencies allowing participants to take free round-trip train rides for the purpose of writing, though company officials have stressed that plans to roll out the program on a larger scale remain tentative. What do you think?

  • “I’m an accountant, but I bet I could fool Amtrak into a free ride by wearing a turtleneck and looking sullenly out the window.”

    Ali Klugman Accountant
  • “Oh boy, I hope I see Joyce Carol Oates on the way to Philadelphia!”

    Richard Shelle Tree Planter
  • “Yeah, but for proofreading, nothing beats Greyhound.”

    Chris Gorman Magazine Editor

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