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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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An Apology For Slavery?

As part of his recent campaign to address the problem of racism in America, President Clinton raised the possibility of apologizing for slavery. What do you think?
  • "I think the U.S. should have to write, 'I will not enslave an entire race of my fellow human beings ever again,' 1,000 times across the national blackboard."

    Theodore Cannell Plumber
  • "As far as reparations go, we shouldn't give them any money. It would be easier just to let them keep all the shit they ripped off."

    Max Eggert Systems Analyst
  • "Haven't we done enough for the black people, letting them share our water fountains?"

    Mary McCrory Telemarketer
  • "In 1993, after more than 3,900 years, the Egyptians finally apologized to the Jews. But they still didn't give them their long-promised 40 cubits and an ankh."

    Heather Greer Librarian
  • "Yo, apologies for slavery goin' out to all my homies out there: Tyrone, Darnell, G-Love, my boy Special K and all the fellas down on 113th, my moms, my shorties Shawanda and Laqueesha..."

    Phil Staunton Investment Banker
  • "The government can apologize all it wants and pay all the reparations it wants, but one thing's certain: Nobody's taking away my slaves."

    Ron Grabowski Math Teacher

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