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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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An Apology For Slavery?

As part of his recent campaign to address the problem of racism in America, President Clinton raised the possibility of apologizing for slavery. What do you think?
  • "I think the U.S. should have to write, 'I will not enslave an entire race of my fellow human beings ever again,' 1,000 times across the national blackboard."

    Theodore Cannell Plumber
  • "As far as reparations go, we shouldn't give them any money. It would be easier just to let them keep all the shit they ripped off."

    Max Eggert Systems Analyst
  • "Haven't we done enough for the black people, letting them share our water fountains?"

    Mary McCrory Telemarketer
  • "In 1993, after more than 3,900 years, the Egyptians finally apologized to the Jews. But they still didn't give them their long-promised 40 cubits and an ankh."

    Heather Greer Librarian
  • "Yo, apologies for slavery goin' out to all my homies out there: Tyrone, Darnell, G-Love, my boy Special K and all the fellas down on 113th, my moms, my shorties Shawanda and Laqueesha..."

    Phil Staunton Investment Banker
  • "The government can apologize all it wants and pay all the reparations it wants, but one thing's certain: Nobody's taking away my slaves."

    Ron Grabowski Math Teacher

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