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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Android Phones May Be Harvesting Data

A developer discovered a hard-to-detect bit of software on Android phones that tracks your location, phone calls, and text messages, and report them back to its maker. What do you think?

  • “What a relief! Now I can stop writing down detailed accounts of my day to send to my phone company.”

    Lawrence Kinney Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, great. When the network gains consciousness, it’s going to have atrocious grammar.”

    Sandy Nielsen Hide Puller
  • “I see nothing that could go wrong and lead to a dystopian society here! Doo doo doo. Off to work!”

    Arthur Johnson Sand Tester
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