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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Angels Among Us?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?
  • "I was touched by an angel—last Saturday, on CBS."

    Otto Montville Podiatrist
  • "I believed in angels until I met Mother Teresa—what a bitch."

    Shannon Colavito Tax Attorney
  • "I believe my mother to be an angel. A perfect angel. I even stapled a little halo onto her head. I keep her in my basement."

    Cory Hooper Coal Miner
  • "My grandpa is an angel now, and he watches over my sister and brothers and me. Hi, my name is Jeffy, of Family Circus fame, and my creator, Bil Keane, is bat-shit insane."

    Alan Dwyer Meteorologist
  • "Innocent schoolgirl by day, high-priced hooker by night... How could you not believe in Angel?"

    Jim Tatum Tuba Player
  • "I thought I saw an angel once, but it was just my husband in a druid's cloak masturbating to organ music."

    Kathleen Foli Systems Analyst
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