Angels Among Us?

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Angels Among Us?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?
  • "I was touched by an angel—last Saturday, on CBS."

    Otto Montville
    Podiatrist
  • "I believed in angels until I met Mother Teresa—what a bitch."

    Shannon Colavito
    Tax Attorney
  • "I believe my mother to be an angel. A perfect angel. I even stapled a little halo onto her head. I keep her in my basement."

    Cory Hooper
    Coal Miner
  • "My grandpa is an angel now, and he watches over my sister and brothers and me. Hi, my name is Jeffy, of Family Circus fame, and my creator, Bil Keane, is bat-shit insane."

    Alan Dwyer
    Meteorologist
  • "Innocent schoolgirl by day, high-priced hooker by night... How could you not believe in Angel?"

    Jim Tatum
    Tuba Player
  • "I thought I saw an angel once, but it was just my husband in a druid's cloak masturbating to organ music."

    Kathleen Foli
    Systems Analyst
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