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Angels Among Us?

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Angels Among Us?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?
  • "I was touched by an angel—last Saturday, on CBS."

    Otto Montville Podiatrist
  • "I believed in angels until I met Mother Teresa—what a bitch."

    Shannon Colavito Tax Attorney
  • "I believe my mother to be an angel. A perfect angel. I even stapled a little halo onto her head. I keep her in my basement."

    Cory Hooper Coal Miner
  • "My grandpa is an angel now, and he watches over my sister and brothers and me. Hi, my name is Jeffy, of Family Circus fame, and my creator, Bil Keane, is bat-shit insane."

    Alan Dwyer Meteorologist
  • "Innocent schoolgirl by day, high-priced hooker by night... How could you not believe in Angel?"

    Jim Tatum Tuba Player
  • "I thought I saw an angel once, but it was just my husband in a druid's cloak masturbating to organ music."

    Kathleen Foli Systems Analyst

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