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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Anger Actually Can Kill

A study in the Journal Of The American College Of Cardiology says that anger and other strong emotions can trigger unhealthy irregular heart rhythms. What do you think?
  • “But if it doesn’t kill me, it only makes me stronger, right?”

    Bill Chambers Loan Processor
  • "Wow, that is really interesting. Wait, astonishment isn't one of the emotions they warned about, is it? Oh, no, what about curiosity? Or panic? Aghhh!"

    Gretchen Appel Food Service Director
  • "If I were really mad, having a heart attack would just make me madder."

    Reggie Taylor Systems Analyst

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