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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Anger Actually Can Kill

A study in the Journal Of The American College Of Cardiology says that anger and other strong emotions can trigger unhealthy irregular heart rhythms. What do you think?
  • “But if it doesn’t kill me, it only makes me stronger, right?”

    Bill Chambers Loan Processor
  • "Wow, that is really interesting. Wait, astonishment isn't one of the emotions they warned about, is it? Oh, no, what about curiosity? Or panic? Aghhh!"

    Gretchen Appel Food Service Director
  • "If I were really mad, having a heart attack would just make me madder."

    Reggie Taylor Systems Analyst

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