adBlockCheck

Anniversary Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repeal

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Anniversary Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repeal

A year after the end of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” a new study shows that allowing homosexuals to serve openly in the armed forces “has had no overall negative impact on military readiness,” troop cohesion, or morale, as many detractors had predicted. What do you think?

  • “Even if I was wrong about that, I’m definitely still right about every other way gay people shouldn’t be equal.”

    Bernadette Fox Unemployed
  • “I don’t know about that. My gay cousin’s serving in Afghanistan, and his platoon’s morale is low as shit.”

    Norman Caso Chrome Buffer
  • “Sure, but after all this time you’d think people would be a little more accepting of the ‘Welcome Home, Homos!’ sign I use to greet returning troops at the airport.”

    Moses Endelman Burrito Maker

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close