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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Anonymous Declares Cyberwar On Israel

In retaliation for Israel’s threat to cut off Internet access in Gaza, the shadowy hacker collective Anonymous launched attacks on 700 Israeli websites, downing many and replacing the home pages of others with pro-Palestinian messages. What do you think?

  • “If anything can end a generations-old conflict over the Holy Land, it’s minor inconveniences.”

    Christian Cort Systems Analyst
  • “If I were Anonymous, I’d want to get some recognition.”

    Jonathan Colavitti Transfer Student Evaluator
  • “Shit, are we going to have to buy them a new Internet?”

    Grace Bechtold Battery Assembler
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