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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Anonymous Declares Cyberwar On Israel

In retaliation for Israel’s threat to cut off Internet access in Gaza, the shadowy hacker collective Anonymous launched attacks on 700 Israeli websites, downing many and replacing the home pages of others with pro-Palestinian messages. What do you think?

  • “If anything can end a generations-old conflict over the Holy Land, it’s minor inconveniences.”

    Christian Cort Systems Analyst
  • “If I were Anonymous, I’d want to get some recognition.”

    Jonathan Colavitti Transfer Student Evaluator
  • “Shit, are we going to have to buy them a new Internet?”

    Grace Bechtold Battery Assembler
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