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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Another U.S. Downgrade Looming

Due to the inability of Congress to make any long-term budget fixes, experts are predicting another credit-rating downgrade for the United States. What do you think?

  • "Will the national economy still be all right? I have $20 in there."

    Martin Peck Gate Agent
  • "Man, I should have off-loaded my last shred of optimism months ago when it was still worth something."

    Dana Upham Optical Engineer
  • "You know, I'm beginning to dislike the credit-rating agencies' new policy of assigning ratings based on actual economic realities."

    Miles Scofield Cashier

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