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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Anthony Weiner Continued Sexting After Resignation

New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner said he would not drop out of the race after evidence surfaced that he again sent images of his genitals and engaged in lewd chats with a young woman, purportedly under the pseudonym “Carlos Danger.” What do you think?

  • “That showing your dick to people thing can be tough to quit.”

    Leo Bankins Personal Trainer
  • “What happens between a man and several women and everyone on the internet is none of our business.”

    Charlene Yarbrough Accupuncturist
  • “Is he finally done with all that online nonsense? Because I’d love that username back.”

    Carlos Danger Tile Cutter
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