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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Anthony Weiner Continued Sexting After Resignation

New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner said he would not drop out of the race after evidence surfaced that he again sent images of his genitals and engaged in lewd chats with a young woman, purportedly under the pseudonym “Carlos Danger.” What do you think?

  • “That showing your dick to people thing can be tough to quit.”

    Leo Bankins Personal Trainer
  • “What happens between a man and several women and everyone on the internet is none of our business.”

    Charlene Yarbrough Accupuncturist
  • “Is he finally done with all that online nonsense? Because I’d love that username back.”

    Carlos Danger Tile Cutter

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