Anthrax Hits The U.S.

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Anthrax Hits The U.S.

Cases of anthrax exposure have been confirmed in media and government offices in Florida, New York, and Washington, D.C. What do you think about the threat?
  • "As the head of a biotech lab, I'm tightening security. From now on, if you want to take some anthrax spores home, put your name on the sign-out sheet by the centrifuge."

    Thom Traylor
  • "Anthrax may grab more headlines, but I think we should all remember that osteoporosis remains Florida's number-one medical threat."

    Bill Lowery
    Cab Driver
  • "My brother's a doctor, and he slipped me a stash of that Cipro anthrax antibiotic. That and some sweet-ass morphine."

    Milt Cook
  • "At times like these, I'm glad I live in a geodesic dome. Not that they're anthrax-proof or anything. They're just fun to live in."

    Richard Busse
    Systems Analyst
  • "Hmm. Does this coffee taste a little anthraxy to you?"

    Donna McCutcheon
    English Teacher
  • "I'd react calmly to this news, but I'm a journalist."

    Christine Walker