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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Anthrax Hits The U.S.

Cases of anthrax exposure have been confirmed in media and government offices in Florida, New York, and Washington, D.C. What do you think about the threat?
  • "As the head of a biotech lab, I'm tightening security. From now on, if you want to take some anthrax spores home, put your name on the sign-out sheet by the centrifuge."

    Thom Traylor Bioengineer
  • "Anthrax may grab more headlines, but I think we should all remember that osteoporosis remains Florida's number-one medical threat."

    Bill Lowery Cab Driver
  • "My brother's a doctor, and he slipped me a stash of that Cipro anthrax antibiotic. That and some sweet-ass morphine."

    Milt Cook Electrician
  • "At times like these, I'm glad I live in a geodesic dome. Not that they're anthrax-proof or anything. They're just fun to live in."

    Richard Busse Systems Analyst
  • "Hmm. Does this coffee taste a little anthraxy to you?"

    Donna McCutcheon English Teacher
  • "I'd react calmly to this news, but I'm a journalist."

    Christine Walker Journalist

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