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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Anthrax Hits The U.S.

Cases of anthrax exposure have been confirmed in media and government offices in Florida, New York, and Washington, D.C. What do you think about the threat?
  • "As the head of a biotech lab, I'm tightening security. From now on, if you want to take some anthrax spores home, put your name on the sign-out sheet by the centrifuge."

    Thom Traylor Bioengineer
  • "Anthrax may grab more headlines, but I think we should all remember that osteoporosis remains Florida's number-one medical threat."

    Bill Lowery Cab Driver
  • "My brother's a doctor, and he slipped me a stash of that Cipro anthrax antibiotic. That and some sweet-ass morphine."

    Milt Cook Electrician
  • "At times like these, I'm glad I live in a geodesic dome. Not that they're anthrax-proof or anything. They're just fun to live in."

    Richard Busse Systems Analyst
  • "Hmm. Does this coffee taste a little anthraxy to you?"

    Donna McCutcheon English Teacher
  • "I'd react calmly to this news, but I'm a journalist."

    Christine Walker Journalist

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