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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

In the wake of Princess Diana's death while speeding from photographers, many are calling for anti-stalking laws that protect celebrities from paparazzi. What do you think?
  • "Boy, I thought the paparazzi were out of line back in '33, when their flashbulbs enraged Kong, causing him to escape and nearly destroy Manhattan. But this time they've gone too far."

    Ted Springs Civil Engineer
  • "I have a tip for the paparazzi—I will be dining tonight at the Shoney's on Highway 11. But please, no flashbulbs."

    Duane Eichhorn Landscaper
  • "To the paparazzi, I have only one question: How do you live with yourselves? Oh, and also, how do you avoid that red-eye effect?"

    Cheryl Pinsky Systems Analyst
  • "Movie stars should not be photographed."

    Suzanne Templeton Manicurist
  • "Remember when President Clinton held that nuclear test-ban summit in Iceland last year? Why couldn't the press just leave him alone?"

    Mitchell Cook Telemarketer
  • "As a longtime Princess Di photographer, I freely admit that we screwed up. We screwed ourselves out of another 40 years of making millions off photos of that stupid broad riding horses and shopping."

    Randy Quisling Photographer
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