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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Anti-Smoking Aid Tops List Of Violence-Linked Medications

In a study from Institute for Safe Medication Practices, the smoking-cessation medication varenicline (sold as Chantix in the United States) topped a list of the ten legal drugs most linked to violence. What do you think?

  • "Man, I tell you. I'll never regret quitting, but whenever I see a man come unhinged and punch someone in a bar, all I want to do is take Chantix again. Just once."

    Lydia Graves Systems Analyst
  • "And they can’t even warn you by blowing smoke in your face first."

    Carol Fitzgerald Upfitter
  • "That's better than the side effects of my weight loss medicine. WhoooOOOooo!"

    Jonah Lacy Ghost

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