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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Anti-Smoking Aid Tops List Of Violence-Linked Medications

In a study from Institute for Safe Medication Practices, the smoking-cessation medication varenicline (sold as Chantix in the United States) topped a list of the ten legal drugs most linked to violence. What do you think?

  • "Man, I tell you. I'll never regret quitting, but whenever I see a man come unhinged and punch someone in a bar, all I want to do is take Chantix again. Just once."

    Lydia Graves Systems Analyst
  • "And they can’t even warn you by blowing smoke in your face first."

    Carol Fitzgerald Upfitter
  • "That's better than the side effects of my weight loss medicine. WhoooOOOooo!"

    Jonah Lacy Ghost

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