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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Anti-Smoking Drug Linked To Accidents

The Federal Drug Administration has banned the use of the anti-smoking drug Chantix by pilots or air traffic controllers, citing side effects that have been linked to auto accidents. What do you think?
  • "Look, before people get upset with the FDA, they should know Pfizer meticulously test-marketed this drug for years, and turns out there's a large segment of the public who will risk insanity and death to stop smoking."

    Layla Smerker Auto Body Worker
  • "This might explain why the pilot on my last flight constantly came on the PA to point out smokestacks below the plane."

    Rich Klenk Hair Stylist
  • "This could make a good anti-smoking campaign: 'If you smoke, no matter what you do, you will die a horrible death.'"

    Matty Cimberg Systems Analyst

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