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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide

The Food and Drug Administration ordered "black box" warnings be placed on two popular smoking-cessation drugs after numerous reports from users of depression, and even suicidal thoughts. What do you think?
  • "Really? Whenever I've tried to quit smoking my thoughts have always been distinctly homicidal, not suicidal."

    Kelly Crotte Unemployed
  • "How about that. Yet another thing that I, a person who is too smart to ever have picked up such a filthy habit, can lord over those disgusting smokers."

    Dave Tyler Systems Analyst
  • "That's weird, because Prozac makes me want to smoke. And Pepto-Bismol makes me want to shoplift. Agh! Medicine!"

    Kevin Carley Librarian

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