Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide

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Vol 45 Issue 29

Wow Factor Added To Corporate Presentation

CHARLOTTE, NC—Sources confirmed that the wow factor—an intangible set of viscerally pleasing features that instill onlookers with a feeling of exhilaration and intense interest—was successfully added to this Thursday’s upcoming PowerPoint presentation.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide

The Food and Drug Administration ordered "black box" warnings be placed on two popular smoking-cessation drugs after numerous reports from users of depression, and even suicidal thoughts. What do you think?
  • "Really? Whenever I've tried to quit smoking my thoughts have always been distinctly homicidal, not suicidal."

    Kelly Crotte
    Unemployed
  • "How about that. Yet another thing that I, a person who is too smart to ever have picked up such a filthy habit, can lord over those disgusting smokers."

    Dave Tyler
    Systems Analyst
  • "That's weird, because Prozac makes me want to smoke. And Pepto-Bismol makes me want to shoplift. Agh! Medicine!"

    Kevin Carley
    Librarian
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