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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Anti-Vaccine Movement Leads To Rise In Measles, Whooping Cough

According to the CDC, formerly eradicated diseases like measles, mumps, rubella, and whooping cough are making a comeback due to “anti-vaxxers,” parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids because they erroneously believe vaccines contain toxins that cause autism and more. What do you think?

  • “Any disease that was good enough for the greatest generation is good enough for my kid.”

    Gregg Walker Unemployed
  • “These pro-vaccine moms are so dramatic. All these diseases will do is make kids a little sick and then kill them.”

    Merrill McCray Stenographer
  • “It’s just nice to see a grassroots movement actually accomplish something.”

    Ron Lasater Shipyard Supervisor

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