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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Antipsychotics Reduce Sex Drive

A study of people taking antipsychotic drugs for treatment of schizophrenia shows reveals that diminished sexual function is an unwanted side effect. What do you think?
  • "Where can I get some of those drugs? I'm sick of sex."

    Lyndon Fitzpatrick Scuba Instructor
  • "My God. That means virtually everyone on Craigslist is off their meds."

    Molly Prescott Unemployed
  • "That's it, no more medication for me. I sure hope I get laid a lot in the lucid moments from my nightmarish paranoid delusions and horrifying hallucinations."

    Ty Jackson Systems Analyst

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