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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Apes Suffer Midlife Crises

A study of more than 500 captive apes found the primates experienced a decrease in happiness from the end of their childhoods until middle age, at which point their overall mood appeared to steadily improve, mirroring the pattern seen in humans. What do you think?

  • “I always look at apes on TV and think, ‘They really are just like Terry from work.’”

    Dave Wilzbach Insurance Salesman
  • “Well, the kids move out once their genitals swell up and turn red, and then you start thinking to yourself, ‘Will I never achieve anything beyond rudimentary tool use and throwing feces?’”

    Rosanna Amaro Executive Chef
  • “Interesting, but what do apes have to do with us?”

    Gary Henley Air-Conditioning Coil Assembler

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