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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Apocalypto Tops Box Office

Mel Gibson’s Mayan action film Apocalypto was the big winner at the box office this weekend. What do you think?
  • "I'm not surprised. This movie has something for everyone: human sacrifice, tragic suffering, historical inaccuracies."

    Leslie Garrison Liquor Store Clerk
  • "Well sure. When you've got that huge built-in full-blooded Mayan audience coming out to see it, you're bound to do well."

    Frank Jablonski Systems Analyst
  • "If there's anything stronger than the hatred moviegoers have for Jews, it's their love of brown people."

    Mike Poole Professional Mover

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