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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Apocalypto Tops Box Office

Mel Gibson’s Mayan action film Apocalypto was the big winner at the box office this weekend. What do you think?
  • "I'm not surprised. This movie has something for everyone: human sacrifice, tragic suffering, historical inaccuracies."

    Leslie Garrison Liquor Store Clerk
  • "Well sure. When you've got that huge built-in full-blooded Mayan audience coming out to see it, you're bound to do well."

    Frank Jablonski Systems Analyst
  • "If there's anything stronger than the hatred moviegoers have for Jews, it's their love of brown people."

    Mike Poole Professional Mover

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