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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Apocalypto Tops Box Office

Mel Gibson’s Mayan action film Apocalypto was the big winner at the box office this weekend. What do you think?
  • "I'm not surprised. This movie has something for everyone: human sacrifice, tragic suffering, historical inaccuracies."

    Leslie Garrison Liquor Store Clerk
  • "Well sure. When you've got that huge built-in full-blooded Mayan audience coming out to see it, you're bound to do well."

    Frank Jablonski Systems Analyst
  • "If there's anything stronger than the hatred moviegoers have for Jews, it's their love of brown people."

    Mike Poole Professional Mover

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