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Apocalypto Tops Box Office

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Apocalypto Tops Box Office

Mel Gibson’s Mayan action film Apocalypto was the big winner at the box office this weekend. What do you think?
  • "I'm not surprised. This movie has something for everyone: human sacrifice, tragic suffering, historical inaccuracies."

    Leslie Garrison Liquor Store Clerk
  • "Well sure. When you've got that huge built-in full-blooded Mayan audience coming out to see it, you're bound to do well."

    Frank Jablonski Systems Analyst
  • "If there's anything stronger than the hatred moviegoers have for Jews, it's their love of brown people."

    Mike Poole Professional Mover

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