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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Apple Becomes Largest U.S. Company Ever

With $623.52 billion worth of shares outstanding at the close of trading yesterday, tech giant Apple became the largest American company of all-time as measured by the combined value of its stock, surpassing a mark set in late 1999 by Microsoft. What do you think?

  • “They deserve it. They make wonderful stocks.”

    Nick Platt Plant Breeder
  • “It’s a shame Steve Jobs died before he got to see his company achieve success.”

    Bill Mancini Bench-Molder Apprentice
  • “You know what it is? It’s all those products they sell.”

    Jacqueline Ellis Unemployed

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