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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Apple Branded Least Green Tech Company

Last week, Greenpeace released a list of tech companies ranked according to the environmental friendliness of their energy consumption, and Apple came in last. What do you think?

  • “Well, then, I guess the whole green movement isn’t that cool after all.”

    Josh Coleman Freezer Operator
  • "No big surprise. Have you been in an Apple Store? It takes 5,500 square feet to sell a dozen iPads."

    Tracy Katayama Weight Analyst
  • "La, la, la! I can’t hear you through these identity-defining earbuds!"

    Charles Novog Unemployed

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