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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Apple Buys Beats Electronics For $3 Billion

Apple announced this week they will pay $3 billion to buy music brand Beats Electronics, the maker of the popular Beats by Dre premium headphones, bringing co-founders Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine onto their executive team. What do you think?

  • “Just when you thought Apple couldn’t get any more street.”

    Gerald Havermeyer Systems Analyst
  • “I knew these headphones were going to be hugely successful when I heard about that kid who got murdered for his pair.”

    Margaret Joff Packing Specialist
  • “Steve Jobs would’ve gotten all of N.W.A.”

    Bill Koerner Textbook Pricer

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