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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Apple Developing Larger iPhone With Curved Screen

Apple is reportedly designing two larger versions of the iPhone that feature 4.7- and 5.5-inch curved glass displays, though the new iPhones are not likely to appear until the third quarter of next year. What do you think?

  • “Good. My main problem with my current phone is that it fits too easily in my pocket.”

    Sabrina Kovero Stage Director
  • “This is definitely going to hurt my underground business where I curve people’s screens for $1,000 a phone.”

    Huey Troy Post Office Manager
  • “I’m throwing my current phone in the garbage right away!”

    Tony Harlow Intelligence Officer

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