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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Apple Has More Cash Than U.S. Treasury

According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. What do you think?

  • "Well, the user experience in this country is just terrible."

    Lou Gajda Cable Splicer
  • "Great, so why don't we sell them a couple of aircraft carriers and we'll be back in black."

    Sonya Howland Film Flat Inspector
  • "This is why I took all my money out of U.S. currency and put it into safe, stable iTunes gift cards."

    Philip Keeton Yeast-Culture Developer

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