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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Apple Has More Cash Than U.S. Treasury

According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. What do you think?

  • "Well, the user experience in this country is just terrible."

    Lou Gajda Cable Splicer
  • "Great, so why don't we sell them a couple of aircraft carriers and we'll be back in black."

    Sonya Howland Film Flat Inspector
  • "This is why I took all my money out of U.S. currency and put it into safe, stable iTunes gift cards."

    Philip Keeton Yeast-Culture Developer

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