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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Apple Pulls $1,000 iPhone App

An application called "I Am Rich," which displays a ruby on iPhone screens, was pulled from the phone's application store without notice. What do you think?
  • "Now what the hell am I gonna do with all this money?"

    Richard Billinglsy Stock Broker
  • "I guess Apple doesn't want to be associated with the rich."

    Frieda Trembeleau State Trooper
  • "I would blow $1,000 on a status symbol from Apple, but I wouldn't buy that application for it."

    Matthew Henderson Publicist

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