Apple To Rescue Album Sales

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Vol 45 Issue 31

Man Running After Bus Delights Bus Occupants

CLEVELAND—Among the factors that contributed to the overall feeling of joy among those lucky enough to witness the spectacle, was the fact that the man was not in very good physical shape, an indication that the act of running was in all likelihood his last recourse.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.


Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Apple To Rescue Album Sales

Working in conjunction with four major music labels, Apple plans to bundle the digital albums it sells with interactive booklets that include liner notes, lyrics, and photos. What do you think?
  • "Well, whatever, I've hated music ever since 'My Humps.' I'm a magazine woman now."

    Kathleen Bird
    Systems Analyst
  • "No thank you. I officially renounced context when I started dating a woman 20 years my junior."

    Darren Wheelock
  • "I used to just pick and choose single songs off albums until Lou Reed caught me doing it and yelled at me."

    Jeffrey Jacobs
    Water-Meter Installer
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