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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Apple Tops Wal-Mart In Music Sales

According to the most current available retail statistics, Apple Inc. has surpassed Wal-Mart to become the No. 1 music retailer in the country. What do you think?
  • "If Apple starts offering Looney Tunes mud flaps for download, then Wal-Mart is really in trouble."

    Lyle Anderson Landscaper
  • "The problem is that Wal-Mart doesn't make it easy enough to get drunk and download 30 copies of the theme to Robocop.

    Bernice Niles Systems Analyst
  • "Apple deserves a lot of credit for rescuing and preserving the paying-for-music tradition."

    Thom Budisch Hedge-Fund Manager

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