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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Apple Unveils iPad Mini

At a press event today, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iPad Mini, a 7.9-inch version of its popular iPad tablet that features an ultrathin, light design and is intended to compete with smaller e-readers such as the Kindle Fire and Google Nexus 7. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a device more convenient than the iPad and less convenient than the iPhone!”

    Kim Bachrach Unemployed
  • “See, my natural instinct would have been to make it bigger and heavier, and maybe tack on a full-size keyboard.”

    Kurt Duncan Banquet Manager
  • “That’ll certainly make my regular iPad feel like a big grown boy.”

    Daniel Atmajian Burial Plot Salesman

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