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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Arab Protection Of U.S. Ports

Many are voicing concern over Bush’s recent approval of a deal allowing a company based in the United Arab Emirates, who had ties to the Sept. 11 hijackers, to monitor security of select U.S. ports. What do you think?
  • "Why not? Some of those al-Qaeda people have probably done much more research on our ports than anybody else."

    Julia Saraidaridis Systems Analyst
  • "Great. We'll be the laughingstock of the Muslim world once they get word of how many tons of flax we import each year."

    Blake Greenberg Teaching Assistant
  • "I think that we should have a little faith in these people. I mean, they were gracious enough to take Michael Jackson off our hands."

    P.R. Williams Dental Hygienist
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