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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Arab Protection Of U.S. Ports

Many are voicing concern over Bush’s recent approval of a deal allowing a company based in the United Arab Emirates, who had ties to the Sept. 11 hijackers, to monitor security of select U.S. ports. What do you think?
  • "Why not? Some of those al-Qaeda people have probably done much more research on our ports than anybody else."

    Julia Saraidaridis Systems Analyst
  • "Great. We'll be the laughingstock of the Muslim world once they get word of how many tons of flax we import each year."

    Blake Greenberg Teaching Assistant
  • "I think that we should have a little faith in these people. I mean, they were gracious enough to take Michael Jackson off our hands."

    P.R. Williams Dental Hygienist

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