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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Arab Protection Of U.S. Ports

Many are voicing concern over Bush’s recent approval of a deal allowing a company based in the United Arab Emirates, who had ties to the Sept. 11 hijackers, to monitor security of select U.S. ports. What do you think?
  • "Why not? Some of those al-Qaeda people have probably done much more research on our ports than anybody else."

    Julia Saraidaridis Systems Analyst
  • "Great. We'll be the laughingstock of the Muslim world once they get word of how many tons of flax we import each year."

    Blake Greenberg Teaching Assistant
  • "I think that we should have a little faith in these people. I mean, they were gracious enough to take Michael Jackson off our hands."

    P.R. Williams Dental Hygienist

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