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Arafat Under Fire

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Arafat Under Fire

Trapped by Israeli tanks in his West Bank compound, Yasser Arafat is under fire for not doing more to stop the recent Palestinian terrorist attacks. What do you think?
  • "Arafat would never be behind any acts of terrorism. This is a Nobel Peace Prize winner we're talking about here."

    Mary Putnam Graphic Designer
  • "I saw something about Arafat in the news last week, but I didn't catch exactly what it was any of the 63 times."

    Nancy McCune Teacher
  • "I don't know, some days I'm a Sharon guy and some days I'm an Arafat guy. Depends on my mood, really."

    Craig Cuthbert Landscaper
  • "It's a tough situation Arafat's in, trying to broker a peace accord while also keeping the suicide bombers happy."

    Ellis Richardson Systems Analyst
  • "The U.S. should shift its focus from eliminating Saddam Hussein to eliminating Arafat. He seems easier to get."

    Todd Kenilworth Truck Driver
  • "I honestly have no clue what's going on with that whole Arab-Israeli mess. And I'm Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE), chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee."

    Joseph Biden Senator

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