Arafat Under Fire

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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Arafat Under Fire

Trapped by Israeli tanks in his West Bank compound, Yasser Arafat is under fire for not doing more to stop the recent Palestinian terrorist attacks. What do you think?
  • "Arafat would never be behind any acts of terrorism. This is a Nobel Peace Prize winner we're talking about here."

    Mary Putnam Graphic Designer
  • "I saw something about Arafat in the news last week, but I didn't catch exactly what it was any of the 63 times."

    Nancy McCune Teacher
  • "I don't know, some days I'm a Sharon guy and some days I'm an Arafat guy. Depends on my mood, really."

    Craig Cuthbert Landscaper
  • "It's a tough situation Arafat's in, trying to broker a peace accord while also keeping the suicide bombers happy."

    Ellis Richardson Systems Analyst
  • "The U.S. should shift its focus from eliminating Saddam Hussein to eliminating Arafat. He seems easier to get."

    Todd Kenilworth Truck Driver
  • "I honestly have no clue what's going on with that whole Arab-Israeli mess. And I'm Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE), chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee."

    Joseph Biden Senator

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