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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Arafat Under Fire

Trapped by Israeli tanks in his West Bank compound, Yasser Arafat is under fire for not doing more to stop the recent Palestinian terrorist attacks. What do you think?
  • "Arafat would never be behind any acts of terrorism. This is a Nobel Peace Prize winner we're talking about here."

    Mary Putnam Graphic Designer
  • "I saw something about Arafat in the news last week, but I didn't catch exactly what it was any of the 63 times."

    Nancy McCune Teacher
  • "I don't know, some days I'm a Sharon guy and some days I'm an Arafat guy. Depends on my mood, really."

    Craig Cuthbert Landscaper
  • "It's a tough situation Arafat's in, trying to broker a peace accord while also keeping the suicide bombers happy."

    Ellis Richardson Systems Analyst
  • "The U.S. should shift its focus from eliminating Saddam Hussein to eliminating Arafat. He seems easier to get."

    Todd Kenilworth Truck Driver
  • "I honestly have no clue what's going on with that whole Arab-Israeli mess. And I'm Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE), chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee."

    Joseph Biden Senator

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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