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Arafat Under Fire

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Arafat Under Fire

Trapped by Israeli tanks in his West Bank compound, Yasser Arafat is under fire for not doing more to stop the recent Palestinian terrorist attacks. What do you think?
  • "Arafat would never be behind any acts of terrorism. This is a Nobel Peace Prize winner we're talking about here."

    Mary Putnam Graphic Designer
  • "I saw something about Arafat in the news last week, but I didn't catch exactly what it was any of the 63 times."

    Nancy McCune Teacher
  • "I don't know, some days I'm a Sharon guy and some days I'm an Arafat guy. Depends on my mood, really."

    Craig Cuthbert Landscaper
  • "It's a tough situation Arafat's in, trying to broker a peace accord while also keeping the suicide bombers happy."

    Ellis Richardson Systems Analyst
  • "The U.S. should shift its focus from eliminating Saddam Hussein to eliminating Arafat. He seems easier to get."

    Todd Kenilworth Truck Driver
  • "I honestly have no clue what's going on with that whole Arab-Israeli mess. And I'm Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE), chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee."

    Joseph Biden Senator

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