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Arafat's $1.3 Billion

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Arafat's $1.3 Billion

PLO leader Yasser Arafat has amassed a personal fortune of $1.3 billion—much of it allegedly coming from international aid intended for his people. What do you think?
  • "Wow, you could strap a lot of dynamite to a lot of teens with that kind of cash."

    Phil Dixon Systems <br>Analyst
  • "I had my suspicions when I saw footage of PLO soldiers throwing some really, really great rocks."

    Melissa Unger Dentist
  • "Shit, you'd think he'd be able to afford to move."

    Danny Ploeg Sales&nbsp;Representative
  • "It's not surprising. Arafat's compound is among among the most lavish cement dwellings in the entire West Bank."

    Rachel Kittridge Florist
  • "Arafat's got $1.3 billion? I guess he does have a nickel for every time somebody called him a terrorist."

    Bob Lawton Civil Engineer
  • "So as much as he hates the Jews, deep down he's really not all that different."

    Ron Runnels Cashier

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