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Arafat's Death

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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Arafat's Death

The death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat could represent a turning point in the Mideast peace process. What do you think?
  • "Now that Arafat's dead, the only thing standing in the way of peace in the Mideast is Sharon."

    Amir Zubar Painter
  • "Dead of natural causes at 75? If only more Palestinians were able to follow his example."

    Robert Cook Chef
  • "Mahmoud Abbas was chosen as his successor? Not Marwan Barghouti? Aw, man, if you were a Palestine policy wonk like me, you'd be so pissed."

    Bruce Daniels Systems Analyst
  • "The saddest part is that this Nobel Peace Prize winner died without seeing his lifelong dream of eternal war with Israel come to fruition."

    Ellen Carter Travel Writer
  • "After I learned about the great Arafat's death, I fired my rifle into the air several times. But it didn't make me feel any better. I don't know. I guess I'm changing."

    Ibrahim Salah Electrician
  • "If Palestine needs a hard-line religious nutjob to fill Arafat's position, our old attorney general is looking for work."

    Karen Anderson Hostess

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