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Arafat's Death

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Arafat's Death

The death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat could represent a turning point in the Mideast peace process. What do you think?
  • "Now that Arafat's dead, the only thing standing in the way of peace in the Mideast is Sharon."

    Amir Zubar Painter
  • "Dead of natural causes at 75? If only more Palestinians were able to follow his example."

    Robert Cook Chef
  • "Mahmoud Abbas was chosen as his successor? Not Marwan Barghouti? Aw, man, if you were a Palestine policy wonk like me, you'd be so pissed."

    Bruce Daniels Systems Analyst
  • "The saddest part is that this Nobel Peace Prize winner died without seeing his lifelong dream of eternal war with Israel come to fruition."

    Ellen Carter Travel Writer
  • "After I learned about the great Arafat's death, I fired my rifle into the air several times. But it didn't make me feel any better. I don't know. I guess I'm changing."

    Ibrahim Salah Electrician
  • "If Palestine needs a hard-line religious nutjob to fill Arafat's position, our old attorney general is looking for work."

    Karen Anderson Hostess

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