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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Arafat's Death

The death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat could represent a turning point in the Mideast peace process. What do you think?
  • "Now that Arafat's dead, the only thing standing in the way of peace in the Mideast is Sharon."

    Amir Zubar Painter
  • "Dead of natural causes at 75? If only more Palestinians were able to follow his example."

    Robert Cook Chef
  • "Mahmoud Abbas was chosen as his successor? Not Marwan Barghouti? Aw, man, if you were a Palestine policy wonk like me, you'd be so pissed."

    Bruce Daniels Systems Analyst
  • "The saddest part is that this Nobel Peace Prize winner died without seeing his lifelong dream of eternal war with Israel come to fruition."

    Ellen Carter Travel Writer
  • "After I learned about the great Arafat's death, I fired my rifle into the air several times. But it didn't make me feel any better. I don't know. I guess I'm changing."

    Ibrahim Salah Electrician
  • "If Palestine needs a hard-line religious nutjob to fill Arafat's position, our old attorney general is looking for work."

    Karen Anderson Hostess

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