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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Archie Andrews Dies Taking Bullet For Openly Gay Friend

Archie Comics has revealed that in the penultimate issue of Life With Archie, Archie Andrews dies after throwing himself in the path of a bullet aimed at friend Kevin Keller, an openly gay senator pushing for more gun control. What do you think?

  • “I just wish I had a clearer sense of which political agenda the writers are promoting here.”

    Seth Wolfe Diving Instructor
  • “I can’t see many people actually giving a shit about what happened to Archie at this point. Not with that crazy assailant still on the loose.”

    Benjamin Harper Sandwich Artist
  • “If I know comic books, Archie will be back in a few months with even more amazing powers.”

    Miley Samocha Internet Sales Manager

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