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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Archie Comics To Kill Off Archie

Archie Comics publisher Jon Goldwater has announced that in the final two issues of Life With Archie, to be released in July, titular character Archie Andrews will be killed off while sacrificing his life to save a friend. What do you think?

  • “Another pathetic example of publishers just giving the readers what they want.”

    James Franz Account Manager
  • “It’s about time. They gotta be on their seventh or eighth Jughead by now, right?”

    Alexa Lissing Beauty Consultant
  • “This could be the cautionary tale our 59-year-olds need.”

    Benjamin Jacobs Pew Designer

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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