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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Archie' To Become Live-Action Film

Warner Bros. Pictures will produce a live-action movie based on the 72-year-old Archie comics franchise, portraying the characters of Archie, Veronica, Betty, and Jughead in a modern-day version of Riverdale. What do you think?

  • “Good. I like to know what kind of crap is coming out as far ahead of time as possible.”

    Clyde Bruneau Soda Jerk
  • “It’ll be refreshing to see a comic book adaptation that doesn’t involve superheroes, loud explosions, or characters that anyone remembers.”

    Carmen Vazquez Lye Treater
  • “That’s great! And here I was, about to go home and kill myself.”

    Willie Savard Electrical Line Splicer

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