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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Archiving The Unabomber

Theodore J. Kaczynski, aka the Unabomber, is fighting to reclaim 40,000 pages of his writings and correspondences so he can preserve them for public reference. What do you think?
  • "It's just like this government to try to suppress the rich history of violent, technophobic loners.

    Sol Raleigh Caterer
  • "In hindsight, I bet he wishes he'd made an exception to his anti-technology stance for Kinko's."

    Ryan Levy Lead Paint Abatement Consultant
  • "Forty-thousand pages? I hope they get someone with a soothing voice for the audio book."

    Carol Camin CT Scan Operator

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