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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Are Parents Responsible?

In the wake of the April 20 massacre at Columbine High School, many are calling for charges to be filed against the parents of the two killers for not responding to warning signs. What do you think about holding parents responsible for the criminal acts of their children?
  • "I'm sorry, but good parents know when their child is planning to shoot 500 of his classmates, hijack an airplane and crash it into New York City."

    Judith Stoddard Pediatrician
  • "As a responsible parent, I would never let my kids watch garbage like Natural Born Killers. Terrence Malick's Badlands is a far superior treatment of the same subject."

    Gordon Crowley Actuary
  • "Video games, not parents, are to blame for many of these teenage crimes. I'm certain it was Frogger that taught my son to jaywalk."

    John Bumbry Systems Analyst
  • "With so many innocent children already dead, it's critical that we wait not a minute longer to enact knee-jerk legislation."

    Melissa Roenicke Coffee-Shop Manager
  • "Charges should be filed against anyone who knew these kids were wearing black trenchcoats and didn't do anything about it."

    Roy Sakata Temp Worker
  • "Responsibility lies with Marilyn Manson, for inspiring this terrible violence. And with Alice Cooper, for inspiring Marilyn Manson."

    Douglas Krenchicki Roofer
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