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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Are Parents Responsible?

In the wake of the April 20 massacre at Columbine High School, many are calling for charges to be filed against the parents of the two killers for not responding to warning signs. What do you think about holding parents responsible for the criminal acts of their children?
  • "I'm sorry, but good parents know when their child is planning to shoot 500 of his classmates, hijack an airplane and crash it into New York City."

    Judith Stoddard Pediatrician
  • "As a responsible parent, I would never let my kids watch garbage like Natural Born Killers. Terrence Malick's Badlands is a far superior treatment of the same subject."

    Gordon Crowley Actuary
  • "Video games, not parents, are to blame for many of these teenage crimes. I'm certain it was Frogger that taught my son to jaywalk."

    John Bumbry Systems Analyst
  • "With so many innocent children already dead, it's critical that we wait not a minute longer to enact knee-jerk legislation."

    Melissa Roenicke Coffee-Shop Manager
  • "Charges should be filed against anyone who knew these kids were wearing black trenchcoats and didn't do anything about it."

    Roy Sakata Temp Worker
  • "Responsibility lies with Marilyn Manson, for inspiring this terrible violence. And with Alice Cooper, for inspiring Marilyn Manson."

    Douglas Krenchicki Roofer

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