Are Parents Responsible?

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Vol 35 Issue 17

Eleven-Year-Old Used As Human Shield In Dodgeball Game

SPARTANBURG, SC—The U.N. is condemning the actions of Spartanburg fifth-grader Joshua Fife, who on Monday violated the terms of the 1949 Geneva Convention by using classmate Doug Wiersbicki as a human shield during a gym-class dodgeball game. "The terms of civilian protection, as outlined in the Geneva Convention, were clearly violated by Fife's placement of Wiersbicki in the direct line of heavy dodgeball fire," U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said. "Whether in Kosovo or Mr. Brundage's gym class, the use of innocents as human shields must not be tolerated."

Senior-Center Residents Debate New Anchorwoman's Ethnicity For Fifth Straight Evening

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Ferndale Senior Center residents debated new Channel 27 Action News anchorwoman Sonya Luntz's ethnicity for a fifth straight day Friday, with Edward Bloch, 81, steadfastly holding to his "Mexican" theory and Muriel Simmons, 83, leaning toward Hawaiian or Indian. "If you ask me, she looks Oriental," said Jack McCallum, 79, watching Luntz on the 6 p.m. newscast. "Orientals have that shape to their face—I saw it in the war." Luntz's ethnicity will be put to an official senior-center vote this Thursday.

Nation's Legislators Resume Unfettered Whoring

WASHINGTON, DC—The Clinton-Lewinsky scandal safely behind them, members of Congress are finally clear to resume their unfettered whoring, Beltway sources reported Monday. "Thank goodness this terrible scandal is over at last," said U.S. Rep. Fred Hutchinson (R-PA), accompanied by two women identified as "Bunny" and "Chantal." "With the national spotlight finally off the sexual indiscretions of its elected officials, my fellow legislators and I are once again free to gleefully hump all manner of mistresses, secretaries and hookers with impunity." Hutchinson then had sex with the women.

Universe Ends As God Wakes Up Next To Suzanne Pleshette

CHICAGO—The 15-billion-year-old universe came to a surprise-twist end Tuesday, when God woke up next to actress Suzanne Pleshette. "What a crazy dream I just had," God said to Pleshette at the conclusion of the popular, long-running universe. "I was the Creator of all things, I had this crazy Son who was always getting arrested and wouldn't get a haircut, and My children were always hurting and killing each other in My name." Pleshette reassured God that He had imagined the whole thing and urged the beleaguered, well-intentioned deity to go back to sleep.

Pamela Sue Is Going Au Natural!

Item! Pamela Sue Anderson Lee is all over the news again! Devoted Harveyheads may recall that about six months ago, I reported that the former Baywatch Babe had help of a surgical variety in a certain chest area. Well, I have it on good authority that she recently underwent surgery again, this time to get rid of those "helpers." I, for one, have to say that she is a gorgeous gal with or without any chestal assistance, and I applaud her decision to go au natural. Kudos, Pam!

Home At Last

For the first time in several months, I woke to find my-self back in my dank, urine-smelling bed-chamber at the Zweibel Estate. How glorious a sight to be-hold! For a second, I almost believed that my horrific experiences were but a terrible night-mare, yet I was almost mad with joy to be reunited with the many possessions I had once so taken for granted. Hello, big stuffed moose head! Hello, chafing-dish! Hello, meerschaum pipe! Hello, blotting paper! Hello, armoire! Hello, cupsidor! Hello, iron-lung! Hello, enema-bulb! Hello, socks!

I Don't Even Remember Writing The Tommyknockers

So, I'm doing this book signing for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon at the Barnes & Noble on Manhattan's Upper West Side last week, and this woman comes up to me, gushing about how The Tommyknockers is her "absolute, all-time favorite book." The name really didn't ring a bell, but I figured I must have written it, seeing as this woman is bothering to tell me how it's her all-time favorite, so I just kind of play along like I know what the heck she's talking about.
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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Are Parents Responsible?

In the wake of the April 20 massacre at Columbine High School, many are calling for charges to be filed against the parents of the two killers for not responding to warning signs. What do you think about holding parents responsible for the criminal acts of their children?
  • "I'm sorry, but good parents know when their child is planning to shoot 500 of his classmates, hijack an airplane and crash it into New York City."

    Judith Stoddard
    Pediatrician
  • "As a responsible parent, I would never let my kids watch garbage like Natural Born Killers. Terrence Malick's Badlands is a far superior treatment of the same subject."

    Gordon Crowley
    Actuary
  • "Video games, not parents, are to blame for many of these teenage crimes. I'm certain it was Frogger that taught my son to jaywalk."

    John Bumbry
    Systems Analyst
  • "With so many innocent children already dead, it's critical that we wait not a minute longer to enact knee-jerk legislation."

    Melissa Roenicke
    Coffee-Shop Manager
  • "Charges should be filed against anyone who knew these kids were wearing black trenchcoats and didn't do anything about it."

    Roy Sakata
    Temp Worker
  • "Responsibility lies with Marilyn Manson, for inspiring this terrible violence. And with Alice Cooper, for inspiring Marilyn Manson."

    Douglas Krenchicki
    Roofer
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