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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Are Parents Responsible?

In the wake of the April 20 massacre at Columbine High School, many are calling for charges to be filed against the parents of the two killers for not responding to warning signs. What do you think about holding parents responsible for the criminal acts of their children?
  • "I'm sorry, but good parents know when their child is planning to shoot 500 of his classmates, hijack an airplane and crash it into New York City."

    Judith Stoddard Pediatrician
  • "As a responsible parent, I would never let my kids watch garbage like Natural Born Killers. Terrence Malick's Badlands is a far superior treatment of the same subject."

    Gordon Crowley Actuary
  • "Video games, not parents, are to blame for many of these teenage crimes. I'm certain it was Frogger that taught my son to jaywalk."

    John Bumbry Systems Analyst
  • "With so many innocent children already dead, it's critical that we wait not a minute longer to enact knee-jerk legislation."

    Melissa Roenicke Coffee-Shop Manager
  • "Charges should be filed against anyone who knew these kids were wearing black trenchcoats and didn't do anything about it."

    Roy Sakata Temp Worker
  • "Responsibility lies with Marilyn Manson, for inspiring this terrible violence. And with Alice Cooper, for inspiring Marilyn Manson."

    Douglas Krenchicki Roofer

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