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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Are Tasers Safe?

Most security personnel defend the use of Tasers, but Amnesty International said that there have been more than 100 Taser-related deaths since 2001. What do you think?
  • "You wouldn't be complaining about Tasers if you had a rubber bullet lodged within inches of your heart like me."

    Harold Wilson Sound Producer
  • "As a man who wears a thick-rubber gimp suit on his midnight visits to the nursing school, I have no problem with Taser use."

    Mark Stuttgart Sales Manager
  • "If you're a cop, deadly force is the last thing you want to use. However, if you're a really twisted cop, a weapon that leaves a suspect flopping about like an epileptic puppy is dead-bang perfect."

    Karl Gordon Police Officer
  • "People complain that getting hit by a Taser is really painful, but in reality it doesn't hurt until your hypothalamus starts working again."

    Mary Watkins Systems Analyst
  • "I only hope this controversy doesn't affect my soon-to-be-launched national family-fun franchise, Taser Tag."

    Sam Williamson Sheet-Metal Worker
  • "Tasers are too much of a hazard. I guess the police will just have to go back to using tractor beams."

    Ellen Anderson Chef

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