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BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

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THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Are Tasers Safe?

Most security personnel defend the use of Tasers, but Amnesty International said that there have been more than 100 Taser-related deaths since 2001. What do you think?
  • "You wouldn't be complaining about Tasers if you had a rubber bullet lodged within inches of your heart like me."

    Harold Wilson Sound Producer
  • "As a man who wears a thick-rubber gimp suit on his midnight visits to the nursing school, I have no problem with Taser use."

    Mark Stuttgart Sales Manager
  • "If you're a cop, deadly force is the last thing you want to use. However, if you're a really twisted cop, a weapon that leaves a suspect flopping about like an epileptic puppy is dead-bang perfect."

    Karl Gordon Police Officer
  • "People complain that getting hit by a Taser is really painful, but in reality it doesn't hurt until your hypothalamus starts working again."

    Mary Watkins Systems Analyst
  • "I only hope this controversy doesn't affect my soon-to-be-launched national family-fun franchise, Taser Tag."

    Sam Williamson Sheet-Metal Worker
  • "Tasers are too much of a hazard. I guess the police will just have to go back to using tractor beams."

    Ellen Anderson Chef

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