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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Are Tasers Safe?

Most security personnel defend the use of Tasers, but Amnesty International said that there have been more than 100 Taser-related deaths since 2001. What do you think?
  • "You wouldn't be complaining about Tasers if you had a rubber bullet lodged within inches of your heart like me."

    Harold Wilson Sound Producer
  • "As a man who wears a thick-rubber gimp suit on his midnight visits to the nursing school, I have no problem with Taser use."

    Mark Stuttgart Sales Manager
  • "If you're a cop, deadly force is the last thing you want to use. However, if you're a really twisted cop, a weapon that leaves a suspect flopping about like an epileptic puppy is dead-bang perfect."

    Karl Gordon Police Officer
  • "People complain that getting hit by a Taser is really painful, but in reality it doesn't hurt until your hypothalamus starts working again."

    Mary Watkins Systems Analyst
  • "I only hope this controversy doesn't affect my soon-to-be-launched national family-fun franchise, Taser Tag."

    Sam Williamson Sheet-Metal Worker
  • "Tasers are too much of a hazard. I guess the police will just have to go back to using tractor beams."

    Ellen Anderson Chef

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