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Are Tasers Safe?

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Are Tasers Safe?

Most security personnel defend the use of Tasers, but Amnesty International said that there have been more than 100 Taser-related deaths since 2001. What do you think?
  • "You wouldn't be complaining about Tasers if you had a rubber bullet lodged within inches of your heart like me."

    Harold Wilson
    Sound Producer
  • "As a man who wears a thick-rubber gimp suit on his midnight visits to the nursing school, I have no problem with Taser use."

    Mark Stuttgart
    Sales Manager
  • "If you're a cop, deadly force is the last thing you want to use. However, if you're a really twisted cop, a weapon that leaves a suspect flopping about like an epileptic puppy is dead-bang perfect."

    Karl Gordon
    Police Officer
  • "People complain that getting hit by a Taser is really painful, but in reality it doesn't hurt until your hypothalamus starts working again."

    Mary Watkins
    Systems Analyst
  • "I only hope this controversy doesn't affect my soon-to-be-launched national family-fun franchise, Taser Tag."

    Sam Williamson
    Sheet-Metal Worker
  • "Tasers are too much of a hazard. I guess the police will just have to go back to using tractor beams."

    Ellen Anderson
    Chef

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