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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Argentina Reclaiming Falklands

Argentina is reasserting its claim to the Falkland Islands from England. What do you think?
  • "I'd say settle it with a soccer match, but it would only result in more deaths."

    Xavier Jones Tapestry Weaver
  • "I agree. England has hoarded that vast supply of delicious penguin eggs for far too long."

    Taylor Williams Dairy Farmer
  • "Was this in Evita? Because if it wasn't covered in Evita, I probably don't know what it's about."

    Lois Fleisch Concession Stand Cashier

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