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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Argo' Wins Best Picture At Golden Globes

The political thriller Argo, directed by Ben Affleck and based on a chapter in the 1979 Iran hostage crisis, took home the Golden Globe for the best dramatic film last night. What do you think?

  • “Those idiots will vote for anything about the 1979 Iran hostage crisis.”

    Desiree Bosco Boat Builder
  • “I don’t watch the Golden Globes. They’re so frivolous and stupid compared to the grandeur and significance of other awards shows.”

    Jacques Colombier Sugar Grinder
  • “Why does this cruel world keep reminding me that it’s possible to win something?”

    Vic Van Dreelen Systems Analyst

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