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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Arizona Gun Advocates Launch Free Shotgun Giveaway

A group funded by local gun enthusiasts’ donations announced plans to provide free shotguns to citizens in troubled sections of Tucson, AZ, the site of the 2011 mass shooting that left former congresswoman Gabby Giffords severely wounded. What do you think?

  • “Problem solved.”

    A.J. Honore Lock Assembler
  • “I’m sure that spoilsport Giffords will find something about this to criticize.”

    Elliot Porter Lounge Car Attendant
  • “Man, my community sucks. The only things we get for free are pony rides and ice cream for the kids at the farmer’s market. And that’s just during the summer.”

    Margot Calzada Systems Analyst

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