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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Arizona Super Bowl Viewers Shown Pornography

Comcast cable subscribers in Tucson, AZ were surprised when a 30-second clip of a woman taking a man's erect penis out of his pants interrupted the final minutes of the Super Bowl. What do you think?
  • "Oh, that was porn? I thought that was what was happening on the Kiss Cam."

    Erin Kopsak Systems Analyst
  • "That's strange. Up where I live, we just had the Penguin interrupt the broadcast and threaten to bring Gotham City to its knees if we didn’t give him $10 million."

    Clay Yonda Environmental Services Supervisor
  • "That was the only part of the Super Bowl that I understood."

    Albert Korein Collections Clerk
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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