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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Arkansas Birds Fell From Sky

Investigators are collecting the bodies of blackbirds in the small Arkansas town of Beebe after thousands of the birds fell from the sky on New Year's Eve and New Year’s Day. What do you think?

  • "Beebe, Arkansas? Isn't that the place with the world's largest living-room picture window?"

    Lewis Tovey Hotel Manager
  • "There are thousands of bird corpses in our supermarkets, but you don't see that making the news."

    Betty Bonney Sheriff’s Deputy
  • "I bet if investigators look hard enough they'll find those birds are full of ticks. It has been a terrible year for ticks."

    Rob Adamson Unemployed
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