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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Arkansas Birds Fell From Sky

Investigators are collecting the bodies of blackbirds in the small Arkansas town of Beebe after thousands of the birds fell from the sky on New Year's Eve and New Year’s Day. What do you think?

  • "Beebe, Arkansas? Isn't that the place with the world's largest living-room picture window?"

    Lewis Tovey Hotel Manager
  • "There are thousands of bird corpses in our supermarkets, but you don't see that making the news."

    Betty Bonney Sheriff’s Deputy
  • "I bet if investigators look hard enough they'll find those birds are full of ticks. It has been a terrible year for ticks."

    Rob Adamson Unemployed

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